I’ll Be Okay.

It’s funny how when you finally forget about people they try to get back into your life. Like the ‘other guy’ I alluded to in one of my first posts The Whole Truth, or S ( my first boyfriend) from Walking Memories, Shadows of Themselves, or my rebound from Internet Dating, or my most recent ex, R (he is in a lot of posts on here so it would be too much to link to). I mean, I’ll never forget him, he was my first love and nothing will change that even though both he and I have changed.

Sometimes I get sad and cry. Cry for all the reasons we failed, cry for how long and hard i tried to make it work, cry because of how emotionally exhausting being with him was. Cry because I miss the person I thought he was (or the person I was trying to make him into). Cry because I miss the good times, cry because I wasted so much of my time on bad times.

Mind you I’m PMS’ing so this is why I am feeling very dramatic right now, not to mention I’m listening to Thomas Newman’s ‘That Next Place’.

I cry sometimes because I legitimately fear for his life.

It’s funny I’m not crying as I write this though. I feel my eyes burn with the pain of long, angsty, teenage  love. But I don’t feel numb. I feel okay. I’ve cried enough over him. Sometimes (many times) I cry over myself. No longer is my world necessarily centered around the guys in my life but my own life and the things that happen in it (sometimes involving a guy).

But a guy doesn’t determine who I am. I determine my own destiny, discover my own self and whatever’s meant to happen will happen. Because, even if I don’t know who I am, where I want to be when I graduate in a year or what I’ll even be doing tomorrow, I know I’ll be okay.

P.S. – Apparently I made this blog a year ago today, I feel I’ve changed quite a lot since then. Thank you.


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