The New Guy Part III

So this morning I woke up to a text that I had received at 3 a.m. from John that read as follows.

“Hey ______. I was thinking maybe you and I could try to meet up tomorrow night. I know we kind of left things unsettled between us and I was hoping you and I could talk. Let me know when you can.”

My stomach riled as I stared at it numbly. I knew that we were already over as (first of all we weren’t together to begin with) I hadn’t texted him in a few days. I’m really bad at acknowledging my emotions so it was a lot easier to just let it fizzle out. I texted him back and agreed to meet in my room to talk. The whole day I spent with my muscles tense and ready to flee. I just wanted to ignore it and avoid it at all costs but I knew I couldn’t run away.

I showered and put on makeup as the clock ticked down. I figured I wanted to look amazing for when he acknowledged that we weren’t dating. Somehow I figured it would make him see what he’s missing. But it was clear when he walked in the room that it didn’t matter what I looked like.

I walked over to my bed and leaned against it, and he leaned against my roommate’s bed, opposite of me. We small talked for a bit until after a few agonizing moments he explained how he didn’t want to be an asshole and let things putter out. I respect him for that, and understood what he was saying.

He talked about how he still wasn’t ready for anything serious but then on the first night we met it was so different than other hook ups he had been in. There are unspoken rules apparently that you don’t talk much at all and certainly don’t talk after and I had broken those rules. He was far from being accusatory and suddenly understood when I said he had been my first hookup.

It’s funny we still have so much in common, even as we talked we realized how similar we were. Maybe that just means we’re meant to be friends for now and not more. “I still need to burn you a CD” he laughed as he explained that he still wanted to talk to me but without the intimacy.

“I’m a mess right now, I don’t know what I want and I’m still learning” he said. I already knew that, and told him that it was alright, I’m still learning how to do this whole thing too. I admitted that he was the nicest guy I had ever known and that is why I kind of liked him. He felt bad for misleading me because after our last “hang out” he realized that he had been really romantic and hadn’t meant to confuse me that way.

My heart raced as we talked and afterwards I felt like I had run a marathon; mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted. I came away from it still learning something about myself.

I am not cut out for this hooking up stuff! It may work for some people but I simply cannot detach myself emotionally from a person. I want to get to know them on a deeper level and connect with them. I cannot have a tryst then never see them again. Perhaps I broke the “rules” of hookups but I don’t care, I was true to myself, something that John will hopefully learn to do as well. He’s trying to be what he thinks being single ought to be, hooking up with tons of girls and having fun.

We’re both still learning who we are and what we want.

And that’s okay.


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