I Feel Like My Life is Recreating 500 Days of Summer

Only now am I realizing that my life with him wasn’t as great as I thought it was. Sure there were good times but there were bad times too that I was blind to because I didn’t want to see them. I got fanciful thoughts in my head that this was the guy I was going to spend the rest of my life with. He was perfect, funny, quirky, smart, I loved everything about him. But he was the only serious relationship I had ever had. I didn’t know I could have someone that would treat me better and want me for solely me. I put up with so much shit that I shouldn’t have had to deal with, just because I thought this isn’t who he is! Of course, who I thought he was only existed in my head.

I kept trying to make him over into what I thought was right for me and appropriate and every time he would get angry and backlash at me. I should’ve known it wasn’t right but I couldn’t believe it. I just accepted what he did because I thought it was normal, no one’s perfect.

Yesterday I was on Facebook and I couldn’t help but click onto his page after not looking at it for a couple of days. I found a series of pictures from the other night with his arms around multiple girls, girls sitting on his lap, girls all over him. And it hurt so bad. I started to cry because I’m still not over him and I just miss having someone there. I miss him being mine and having someone to hold and kiss me. Seeing him with all these other girls (my friend said they’re probably sluts because those are the only girls that would get with a cheater like him now) makes me so sad. So I blocked him on Facebook like I should have long ago.

We kept planning to see each other, it’s been a month since I lost saw him. I know I shouldn’t, and thank god the universe intervened so that it never ended up working out. We even wanted to see each other for 4th of July because the last two ones I spent with him. Then again he always got blackout drunk and smoked like crazy so I never really had any fun. I think I will go out on my own to have fun and celebrate.

This past weekend I went to a dubstep club to have fun with my friend and get myself out there. That was a bad decision because the kind of people at those clubs are usually a little sketchy. I got hit on by three different guys but they were all kind of socially awkward, not to be mean. Nonetheless I had fun dancing in my sexy outfit!

I think I’m going to try going to a different club this Friday where I can actually dance with guys, haha. It will boost my ego and help me feel better about myself as I try to recuperate. I think dancing is a kind of therapy. It allows you release all your emotions, let go and enjoy yourself. When I dance I feel sexy and attractive, like I am worth so much more. This is why I need to keep dancing more, even if I am not at school. Dancing makes me feel alive and I know if I keep going out  I will feel so much better and he will feel like a distant memory.

He already doesn’t feel real to me. He just feels like a shadow of a person I once thought I knew, and that makes it easier to move forward because he no longer is the person I used to love. When I look at his pictures they just seem shallow, surface only. I think that means I’m moving on? Hopefully it won’t take a year as my friend said, but I think it’s a giant step in the right direction towards self improvement!

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