The Whole Truth

My heart is beating faster than I can breath and my vision is getting hazy as I try to collect myself before my mom gets home. I don’t want her to know about my talking to R just now. She doesn’t need to worry about that, she has a lot on her plate. It’s funny how we can be so blind in love. Just as I was blind to R’s cheating on me, he was blind to what I was doing too.

Before I decided to stop talking to him forever today, I made myself do something that scared me more than anything. Rather than leaving my Facebook up for him to see (as he had – leading to my finding out he cheated), I decided I would do the noble thing, even if he hates me now and tell him exactly how it is.

While we were together, I was very lonely a lot. He would always fall asleep on me, never wanted to go out and do anything and always ditched me to go smoke with friends when he had spent $80 to come out and see me (a 4 hour trip). So I started going on Chatroulette and Omegle. And I met a guy from New Jersey. A handsome, cocky, hilarious guy that I became very close to. We talked a lot, about many different topics and it was so refreshing having someone actually listen to me and care about what I had to say. He stayed up with me and made me laugh and smile and feel confident with myself.

Still I was very lonely and we had been talking for months off and on, while I was with R. So I showed him parts of myself, and he said I was beautiful. He was starting to fall hard for me until I felt so bad that day that I deleted his contact and blocked him completely. I haven’t talked to him for a year now but it doesn’t matter. I shared things that were special and can’t take them back. I feel horrible about it, but at the same time I was getting nothing from R. No attention, no love, so sign that I was important to him. This other guy made me feel special and important.

I am human, and I am not perfect. We all fuck up, and that was my fuck up and I never want to do it again. R is probably never going to talk to me, even though he physically cheated on me. I guess it will be easier to forget each other if he hates me. Strangely I don’t really hate him. I just feel sad and wish that things could have been different between us. I guess that things weren’t right though from the beginning because we weren’t getting what we needed from each other and so suffered the consequences for it.

R will always have a place in my heart. Not everything from our relationship was bad, but neither was it all that good. R was my first love. Despite things being so screwed up between us, I hope that the sun shines brighter eventually and that we will move on and someday look back fondly on these last two and a half years. I love you R, I’m going to miss you a lot.


Your first love.



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