“Be In A Relationship With Yourself”

That’s what my mom told me today when she said I should start using my writing and my blog to talk about what I’m going through.

I feel like it’s just what everyone else is going through, but it still sucks. I broke up with my boyfriend of two and a half years. I loved him so much and gave him my everything but it just wasn’t enough because in a drunken stupor he cheated on me.

It’s very difficult trying to be single (I keep having to remind myself that I’m not trying to be single, but I’m being me. I don’t even know what that is now, not to sound cliche but it’s true). Before I started dating when I was 17, I didn’t even think of the fact that I could share my life with another person or that I was free. I was just being me. But somehow through the past three twisted relationships I’ve been in, who “me” was got lost trying to be what they wanted me to be.

I tried to do what they wanted to do, enjoy what they liked and never did they try to do what I enjoyed or take an interest in what I liked. It was all so one sided for so long (especially my most recent relationship of two and half years) and I was so blind. I didn’t think about it until now but I only stayed with him because it was safe and comfortable. It was easy.

You don’t know how much I wish I could go back to that simplistic, safe, easy relationship. I know now it was unhealthy but I miss him so much. He was my first love and I’ll never forget that despite what he did to me. I hate it so much that I still love and care for him with all my heart. I wish I could just stop thinking about him and move on with my life, but I can’t just forget two plus years of my life.

I wonder if any of you out there feel the same way or are going through what I am. I’m sure many of us have gone through the same things I am going through right now. I miss him so much. Does that make me weak? I call him every once in a while even though i said I’d stop talking to him. I give in to the temptation just to hear his voice, just to hear him say “I love you too.” And I know he loves me. But he fucked up and I can never forgive him for that. Despite all of it, I’m driven to insanity because of my love for him.

I want to move on so I try to keep busy and occupied. I try to fill up my time with hanging out with friends because if I am out I am not thinking about him. I can get dressed up, look all cute hot (my friend keeps yelling at me because I don’t think of my self as a sexual and attractive person) and flirt with guys. But, most of my friends are working very demanding jobs so often i am left to my own devices getting swallowed into a pit of staring at pictures of him wondering what went wrong. I reach for my phone and despite having deleted his number and all his texts, I have the number burned into my brain. I weakly text him, knowing he’s probably not going to answer for a few hours and even if he does answer it will be a half-assed response.

Our relationship was always like that though, I was always the one calling him, texting him, waking him up in the morning and calling to say good night. I don’t know why I did this. I guess I was just excited that someone, anyone thought I was desirable and lovable. Don’t get me wrong, a lot of our relationship was great, like I said I still love him, but there were key parts where he didn’t respect my wishes that killed it. Him cheating was kind of like a push from the universe to get me to break up with him because I couldn’t do it on my own.

I guess I’m just scared. I’m terrified of the world out there. I’m terrified that there might not be someone, even though I know there probably is. And I don’t want to be the person that constantly needs a man. I just don’t know what to do with myself, since most of the time I used to have I devoted to him. Now I have an internship in Boston working for an amazing company with some of the best people, but i still have those two hour commutes there and back that, without anything to keep me busy, drive me insane.

Everyone tells me to stop talking to him and to focus on myself, and I’m trying to do that but it’s so hard. As I write this I keep feeling the urge to just cry but I don’t because I think that maybe there is someone out there in the same situation as me, and I want to be strong for you if I can’t be strong for myself.

But it’s late and I am tired. I miss him so much and I don’t know what to do to find the self I’ve lost. I have to rediscover “me” but that sounds stupid. I have to be in a relationship with me, even if I don’t know how. Again it is very late and I have my internship tomorrow so I need to go to bed. But I think tomorrow I will tell you guys about the stupid mistake I made with my previous ex yesterday. Tell me if you have any advice, any and all or even a friend to talk to is greatly appreciated.

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